Last Night(The Analysis)

CydonianRazr · Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2011 10:43 pm Post subject:

figured it was you, one thing you should do is include a little more information or back story about certain things so people can relate to or understand it more, for example "G mac, duck." not entirely sure myself what G mac is... are you referring to your friend or an action? and, by duck do you mean fux? (i think thats how the censoring works here)
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piercing action

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Master Shake · Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2011 11:27 pm Post subject:

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Master Shake · Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 7:48 am Post subject:

no that last post wasn't directed to you but it seems your retarded too

you come and post a story on fuckin rakion league, RAY KEY ON, and put a fuckin poll asking what we thought, so i stated my opinions and that was that. no one said you have to fuckin do this or your shit will suck forever. also i never argued that poetry wasn't creative writing.

if you didn't want feedback you should of said so, if you just wanted ppl to read it you should of posted in the ask for help section where only the admins can post and then your shit would of been left in piece.

you were doing fine until this bitch came in here on her period over analyzing shit.

this isn't my story, this wont affect my life, i could care two shits less wtf you do to that damn story, at the end of the day i'm still getting paid.

one more thing, your a f'ing ae, we all know it. i just came in here to play along.
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CydonianRazr · Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 8:58 am Post subject:

lol flame war
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piercing action

Master Shake · Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 2:48 pm Post subject:

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Master Shake · Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 3:01 pm Post subject:

negative

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tronn · Joined: 30 Nov 2006 Posts: 598 Pictures: 0

Fyi, careless and care less have different meanings. For example: Don't be careless and instead use care less. :p
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lvl 99 bs-xBHx

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Angelo · League Fanatic Joined: 05 Oct 2006 Posts: 323 Pictures: 0

The story has a bunch of syntax errors. Incorrect syntax errors could be fixed without ruining your "flow" of the story.
If you want to write with short, choppy sentences, then consider a lethargic, unmotivated tone. A descriptive story, as far as i perceived, should be more elegant and "flowy", rather than choppy.
As I read on without trying to correct the story, I got distracted by the mix of passive and active sentences.
There are tense errors.
Try using commas or semicolons if you're trying to do complex sentences; I saw some/many (forgot).
Your story seems like it is all over the place. it is messy.
it's all about the tone, and your tone doesn't really fit your writing style.

I read the past comments, and a writing style can be any kind of writing. I agree with Nicole and you with your writing as a style. A writing style could be bad or good; the verdict comes from the reader. Literature comes with many critiques/criticisms: the curse of literature? Yes, although you truly need work on your grammar. Keep trying to write because it's quite interesting.
Maybe consider role playing(writing stories with others).

I say it's so-so. ^^
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sparky thx

Author · Joined: 02 Jun 2011 Posts: 14 Pictures: 0

Angelo · League Fanatic Joined: 05 Oct 2006 Posts: 323 Pictures: 0

You're welcome!
Syntax errors mean there is something wrong with the sentence structure: they're abrupt with improper use of conjunction, commas, run on sentences, et cetera.

I did not say it is not descriptive. You are writing a story about yourself; that basically means that the author includes a lot of description(well, it depends). But, I talked about the tone being descriptive but abrupt.
I read a story by James Joyce which I had a hard time understanding. It's quite similar to this because Joyce used a poetic structure on that novel.
I'm not familiar with James Frey. I could not skim through your story for your writing style kept halting the flow. I kept getting the "wait, what?" moments. That doesn't mean it's bad; it's just hard to read. If you want that to happen, then sure. Literature is open just like Art. You just have to keep honing your skills.
Oh, and I did not mean to say that I don't like the story; I do. It explained what would truly happen to someone intoxicated and trying to "do the do", while having a clear mind on decisions for the future. Quite nice because many people could reflect to this which would capture their minds into the story(like you said.. i think?).
I like the ending. If you like writing, then keep going! I mean, you can recall events and describe them well in your style. Pretty cool. Keep it up!

I don't really talk like this in public forums. I usually just troll. trolololol
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sparky thx

Author · Joined: 02 Jun 2011 Posts: 14 Pictures: 0