Last Night(The Analysis)

Author · Joined: 02 Jun 2011 Posts: 14 Pictures: 0

I get in the car, engine starts. Go and pick my boy up. He gets in the car. The agenda for the night consists of popping an e pill my boy got for me, as soon he lets me know a girl wants to smoke with us. Get girl, smoke her up, G mac, duck. He gets off of the phone with Jessica, and I devour a dense white chalk colored e-pill. It has a picture of a seductive female laying down, chiseled into the front and back of it. Mmm…G ladys. Chew for a half a second, swallow. Bad taste because of my taste buds, good taste because my brain remembers this taste.

Night starts out bad. We lose the blunt. Of course I’m pissed, the blunt is lost in my Moms car. I drive it, so does she. This horrible situation gets better then worse. Jessica tells us we should check the spot we were in the first time my boy got out. We go to her house. There’s the blunt. I asked the man to hold my blunt because my hands are driving, his are free; we find it in the street in front of her house. Relief, time to smoke. We head to the park. My boy is being very annoying. I try to get him to understand the magnitude of the situation he could have put me in. I can’t talk to a person who is insistent on being unreceptive. I give up. I’ve finished making every valid point I can make. I do not repeat. If a point is not valid, it is hot smoke. I don’t repeat anything. I just kindly ask him not to talk as we drive to the spot.

The girl is in the back asking two grown men not to argue. She asks me not to argue. I know she doesn’t control me, yet she asks. I don’t realize she has controlled the situation. I don’t like being controlled in any way, light. But I chill. It may have been the pill, so I take a breath, relax.
I drive, we’re conversing. It’s easy conversation: There is direct conversation, and deeper subliminal conversation. Direct conversation affects the mood. Subliminal conversation affects control. Game (G) is control. I know my G is good. As the night progresses I take control and keep it. We get to the elementary school park. Light the L. I smoke first. Pass it to Jessica. She smokes. My boy smokes. The two highs are complementing each other very well. Lights brighten. The wind feels good. I want a hug. I need a hug. I have the blunt. She says she is not standing up for the blunt, just pass it. She asks for the blunt. I give up and pass it.

I let her listen to a song I think she hasn’t heard on my iPod. My headphones are short, we have to be close. I get close and ask if she has heard the song before. Subliminally letting her know if she doesn’t want us to be close, she can say she’s heard it and move over. I’ll be fine. She says she’s heard it. She listens, subliminally letting me know she is comfortable with our distance.

My boy is talking a lot. My G is unaffected. He attempts to converse, repeats questions because she is answering mine. She answers every question. He repeats every question. I like control, feels good.

I grab the blunt. Try and persuade her to take another hit. She takes a hit as I place her hand over my heart. My heart is beating as quickly as the last time I smoked. She is scared…so she says. My boy is persistent on having forced conversation. I allow them to talk as I pull her hoody and play with her hair. I pull and pat her braids, her hoody. I walk away with the L and music from my iPod. I hope she gets the subliminal. I hope she understands, if she’d rather talk to my boy, I’ll be fine, I couldn’t care less. I do this over and over again.

L in hand, exhaling smoke I walk directly in front of her, closing in on her comfort zone. She looks comfortable. She is relaxed. I tell her I want a hug. I don’t like asking questions. She gets up and gives me a good hug. High enhanced hugs are great hugs.

(Brief intermission- After writing the story I realized this is when the cock blocking started :/, continue Smile

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She realizes I am controlling the situation. She doesn’t like control. She pulls back, talks a bit more to my boy. I still have control. I control if I care enough to be nice to her. I let everyone know, walking is definitely an option. I hope she gets the subliminal. I hope she understands her night ending is on her, I’ll be fine. I hope she understand it’s as simple as that. I’ll be fine, I couldn’t care less. I let her know every time she complains. I let her know as many times as she needs me to. To her, the drive home is a scary, long one. She looks relieved to be standing in front of her house.

I tell her I want another hug. Her fear of my current state makes her not want to hug me, so she says. I say I’m putting it in park, because I want a hug. She opens the car door; I don’t like her leaning into my car to hug me. I feel controlled. I don’t like control. As I step out grabbing her arm, I pull her in. The hug isn’t as good as the first. But I control the hug; I like control, so the hug is good. I cannot ask her for her number as she leaves, risking all control. The stakes are as high as the control. Betting is dumb. Gamblers are insane by Einstein’s definition. I don’t ask for her number because I don’t hope or think I will see her again, I know I will. She lives in my small town. We run on the same track at different times. I’ll see her. If I don’t, I’ll be fine. I couldn’t care less. I choose not to care, therefore I don’t.

Master Shake · Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2011 7:38 am Post subject:

I'm only halfway through but so far its an okay story. You need to work on your sentence structure. Also with any story, you need to have images. Work on that and some details and you should do fine. When I come back from work I'll finish reading it and give you some more tips.
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Author · Joined: 02 Jun 2011 Posts: 14 Pictures: 0

I understand what your saying about sentence structure. Perfect sentence structure is a writing style. Imperfect sentence structure is another. The "sentence structure" was intentional Smile

. Thanks for your feedback. Smile

Master Shake · Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 7:36 am Post subject:

I don't think so sir. No one really want's to read someones bad sentences. It's confusing and pulls the reader away from the actual story.

EDIT: Finished reading it and I see what you mean by the structure. But this story is way too long to be doing something like that. After all it's a story. It's like you want this to be poetry. Do this, I liked the part about the park and the subliminal message, take that small section and break it down to either 4-5 words a line or 6-7. You can go over and under by try to stick with which ever one you choose. Do that, repost it, and lets see how it turns out.
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Author · Joined: 02 Jun 2011 Posts: 14 Pictures: 0

Nicole · Joined: 29 Sep 2007 Posts: 79 Pictures: 0

@Master Shake: It is a writing style. Read "The Stranger" by Albert Camus. 123 pages long. Similar writing style as author's. First paragraph:

Maman died today. Or yesterday maybe, I don't know. I got a telegram from the home: "Mother deceased. Funeral tomorrow. Faithfully yours." That doesn't mean anything. Maybe it was yesterday.

Writing it with fragmented structure actually increases the reader's indulgence into the story because they can relate more to the protagonist. We don't think grammatically correctly. We often use incomplete and incoherent speeches when we communicate colloquially. "Hey, how's it going?" "Wasn't yesterday the test? Or maybe it was today. Whatever." It's just a matter of taste.

Author · Joined: 02 Jun 2011 Posts: 14 Pictures: 0

NodMan · Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 3:08 pm Post subject:

All I know is it made me face palm.

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Author · Joined: 02 Jun 2011 Posts: 14 Pictures: 0

All i know is thats feedback. Thanks for the feedback

Master Shake · Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 8:47 pm Post subject:

Sorry, I don't read it all. Was just giving my feedback. Seems more like poetry and think it would be better if it were to broken up like I mentioned.

Also most of the people on this forum hate people like me who majority of the time type like we talk. I save the correct grammar and punctuation for times like these were I want to be taken seriously.

One more thing. For those of us who don't read much, like me and NodMan, this story looks horrible.
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Author · Joined: 02 Jun 2011 Posts: 14 Pictures: 0

...lol.....thx for your...constructive criticism. I didnt write this story to get help with my writing. I didn't write this story for everyone to understand it and or like it. I wrote it knowing only some would understand and appreciate the creativity. I knew others wouldn't like it. I didn't respond to your last attempt to "help" me write a better story, not because I didn't see it, but because I don't want help. I appreciate you trying to help me, but I like it, and that is why i wrote it. That is why i posted it.

Nicole · Joined: 29 Sep 2007 Posts: 79 Pictures: 0

Author · Joined: 02 Jun 2011 Posts: 14 Pictures: 0

CydonianRazr · Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2011 10:18 pm Post subject:

funny story...

Author · Joined: 02 Jun 2011 Posts: 14 Pictures: 0